LOL - The Onion!!!! the official thread

Lord of all PBR's Number of posts: 21098 Age: 42 Registration date: 2007-02-21

Ünited Stätes Toughens Image With Umlauts

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress officially changed the nation's name to the Ünited Stätes of Ämerica Monday. "Much like Mötley Crüe and Motörhead, the Ünited Stätes is not to be messed with," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK). An upcoming redesign of the Ämerican flag will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new national anthem is also in the works by composer Glenn Danzig, tentatively titled "Howl Of The She-Demon."

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"Boys, set the terror level at code brown, 'cause I need to change my pants." -- President Hathaway, "Monsters vs. Aliens"

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Lord of all PBR's Number of posts: 21098 Age: 42 Registration date: 2007-02-21

I KNEW IT!....

Report: Apocalypse Actually Happened 3 Years Ago

MENLO PARK, CA—Though the event went largely unremarked upon at the time, a report published Monday by the Kaiser Family Foundation has found that the apocalypse, or end of the world, occurred three years ago. "According to our data, the total collapse of all human civilization occurred on or around April 3, 2008," said foundation representative Jodie Palmenterri, citing numerous instances of environmental disaster, humanitarian catastrophe, and economic ruin as unambiguous signs that the world had ended. "Those who have worried for years that human culture was headed toward calamity can rest easy, because it already happened. We are living in a postapocalyptic world. This is it." Palmenterri went on to say that because the apocalypse does not resemble the eschatological predictions of any major religion, it's safe to assume the gods have all forsaken us.

Man Who Got 6-Figure Book Deal From His Tumblr Account Has The F*cking Nerve To Appear On National Television
NEW YORK—Infuriating tens of thousands nationwide, 26-year-old microblogger Travis Yates reportedly had the g*ddamn nerve to appear on Good Morning America Friday just days after signing a $400,000 deal to adapt his popular Tumblr account into a full-length book. "That rich little punk has the f*cking stones to show up on my TV and talk about how many hits his stupid blog gets? What a dick," said Colorado resident Jason Stehmeier, 34, who added that it was common decency not to show oneself in public after lucking into something like that. "That guy needs to shut up, write the damn thing, and go away already." Most of the angered viewers admitted they might consider purchasing a copy of the book so long as Yates' smug little prick face was not featured prominently on the back cover.

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"Boys, set the terror level at code brown, 'cause I need to change my pants." -- President Hathaway, "Monsters vs. Aliens"

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Lord of all PBR's Number of posts: 21098 Age: 42 Registration date: 2007-02-21

Area Man Has Far Greater Knowledge Of Marvel Universe Than Own Family Tree

LA CROSSE, WI—Returning to his hometown to attend a cousin's wedding Saturday, Josh Sundling, 29, reportedly demonstrated on numerous occasions a vast, far more intricate understanding of the fictional Marvel Comics Universe than of his own family's genealogy.

Sundling, who cannot identify his ancestral homeland or the meaning of his surname, possesses extensive knowledge of the creation of superhero teams, the history of imaginary alien races, and the special powers of countless characters.

"We're from Sweden or Norway or somewhere around there," said Sundling, who when prompted can accurately detail the origins of each cartoon member of the X-Men, the Avengers, the Defenders, and the Squadron Supreme. "I don't know for sure. I never really asked about it."

Though Sundling reportedly reread several issues of Moon Knight recently and found himself enjoying the subplot of the hero's romantic involvement with Tigra, it is believed he did not realize his cousin was dating anyone until he received an invitation to the wedding.

"I guess Andy had been engaged for a while," Sundling said of his cousin Tom, whom he has met on 26 separate occasions and once spent two weeks with at summer camp but routinely confuses with other relatives. "One of my aunts was telling me about it. Whichever one used to have the long dark hair and kind of looked like former Alpha Flight member Diamond Lil."

"She cut it, though, and now it's white and curly," Sundling added. "Kind of looks like Daily Bugle editor in chief Joe Robertson's haircut. Especially if you look at those old issues from the '70s, back when Ross Andru was drawing him."

According to family sources, not only is Sundling not familiar with his family's heritage and history, but the 29-year-old also appears more emotionally attached to the fictional characters in his comic books than to many of his blood relatives.

"Josh has always loved those cartoons," said uncle Donald Grier, whom Sundling believes to be one of his father's friends from college. "I remember one time he cried after reading about Captain America, because the Captain's little helper guy had died."

"It was weird because I'd never seen him cry before," Grier said. "Not even at Papa's funeral.

Though Sundling is unaware that his grandmother was the first female valedictorian at La Crosse Central High, or that ancestors on his mother's side narrowly escaped famine by fleeing across the Atlantic with nothing but the clothes on their backs, he has been known to confidently discuss the histories of the Skrull, Kree, and Shi'ar civilizations. Sundling also has a working knowledge of Jean Grey's complex family tree, which contains multiple clones and characters from other realities.

Sources confirmed that Sundling does not know his grandmother's maiden name.

"It's so fascinating that Jean Grey and Cyclops had a child from an alternate future who ends up marrying Franklin Richards, who is the son of Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman," said the man who did not recognize his own nephew at the wedding. "And then their kid, Hyperstorm, travels back in time and attacks the Fantastic Four."

"I've always been drawn to superhero pedigrees and how they pass traits down from one generation to the next," said Sundling, completely unaware that colon cancer runs in his family. "It'd just be cool to have something rare in common with your relatives."

_________________
"Boys, set the terror level at code brown, 'cause I need to change my pants." -- President Hathaway, "Monsters vs. Aliens"

Check out my CD reviews and other geeky nonsense at HubPages! http://hubpages.com/profile/FatFreddysCat

Administrator Number of posts: 12391 Age: 41 Registration date: 2008-07-12

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Subject: Re: LOL - The Onion!!!! *the official thread* Thu Apr 19, 2012 3:34 am

You guys ever watch their YT video's? Just as funny and stupid:

Bukkake Tsunami Number of posts: 15716 Age: 40 Registration date: 2007-02-01

That's a riot. How to I link to that Jenny's Facebook page again? Laughing

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A legend in posting since February 1st, 2007

Lord of all PBR's Number of posts: 21098 Age: 42 Registration date: 2007-02-21

Goth, Metalhead Overcome Sub-Cultural Differences to Find Love

DANVILLE, IL—People fall in love every day, but self-proclaimed "Goth for life" Danielle Richardson, 24, and avid metal-music fan Rick Halloway, 26, faced bigger obstacles than most couples. In spite of having come from vastly different subcultural groups, the unlikely couple celebrated their three-month anniversary Monday.

"It hasn't been easy dating someone so totally different," said Halloway, wearing faded black jeans and a Mastodon T-shirt. "There have been times, like when Dani asked who Phil Anselmo was, that I almost wanted to say 'forget this bullsh*t.' But then I reminded myself that nothing good is ever easy. That's why I chose the path of metal—living fast and rocking hard. I never in my craziest dreams thought that path would lead me to Dani, but I'm so glad it did."

Added Halloway: "F*ckin' A, she totally rocks."

Richardson said that, although she has lived her whole life in the same small, largely middle-class Midwestern town as Halloway, the two couldn't be more different. While Halloway spends his free time fixing his car or plugging the jukebox at T.J.'s Tap, Richardson spends her free time shopping at thrift stores and reading poetry at The Black Cat, a red-velvet-curtained bar nearly 10 blocks away from T. J.'s.

"No one is more surprised by our union than I," Richardson said. "When we met, there was a strong attraction, but so much more is required for lasting love. I never believed one such as Rick could touch my shadowed heart, but touch it he has."

Halloway admitted that the relationship got off to a shaky start.

"Me and some of my friends were hanging out in front of the Midas when Dani walked by with a big, black umbrella," Halloway said. "Well, it wasn't raining, so my friends started making fun of her. But when she looked over, our eyes locked. I was like, 'Whoa.'"

A few days later, Halloway ran into Richardson at the Danville Cineplex.

"I asked her what she was going to see—I think it was that g*y-ass Blade: Trinity movie," Halloway said. "Danielle was wearing this weird black lacy thing. I like women who wear black, but usually it's leather with studs. But something about her made me wait for her after my movie got out. I'm so glad I did."

Richardson said she began dating Halloway with serious reservations.

"Our first date was positively chilling—Rick's soul seemed to be crying out to me," Richardson said. "Still, it brought me much pain to realize that we would have no future together—we were so very different."

"But at the end of the night, when I reached out to take Rick's hand, I noticed that his fingernails were painted black," Richardson added. "I told him how sexy it was, and he told me he got the idea from a Danzig video. That was the first time I realized we had something deep and eternal in common."

Although he had similar doubts, Halloway said he "decided to say 'f*ck it' and go for it."

"On our next date, Danielle took me to this place where a house had burned to the ground—the whole place was all scorched and sh*t," Halloway said. "It looked like a Sepultura video. It was such a kickass spot that we started making out like animals."

Continued Halloway: "For a girl who writes poetry, Danielle is a totally crazed hell-demon in the sack. She tears the smurf poo out of my back. She's a righteous chick, even if she doesn't like me calling her that."

Although the couple overcame subcultural differences, their friends have not been so open-minded.

"I thought Danielle was just trying to get a reaction from us by going out with some loser," said Valerie Brasher, a longtime Goth. "I could see how our outrage might be delicious to her, but now, she actually seems serious about Rick. This lunacy makes my mind swim with sadness."

"Danielle will always be very dear to me, but I can't support that relationship," Brasher added. "Once, I suggested that Rick wax his goatee into a tapered, devilish point and he told me to keep my pale-ass freak hands to myself. I mean, talk about your typical close-minded metalhead vulgarian behavior."

Halloway's friends have similarly disparaged the union.

"I told Rick that there's a reason why, when we were all in high school, our friends would hang out under the bleachers and the Goths would hang out in the atrium," Mike Kryzinski said. "It was because our kinds don't get along. What's gonna happen at their wedding when Danielle starts playing Sisters Of Mercy or some sh*t like that? What kind of music are their kids gonna listen to? Hasn't he ever stopped and thought about the future?"

_________________
"Boys, set the terror level at code brown, 'cause I need to change my pants." -- President Hathaway, "Monsters vs. Aliens"

Check out my CD reviews and other geeky nonsense at HubPages! http://hubpages.com/profile/FatFreddysCat

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LOL - The Onion!!!! the official thread

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LOL - The Onion!!!! *the official thread*

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LOL - The Onion!!!! the official thread

LOL - The Onion!!!! the official thread